Within the last month, “no” has become my most frequent word. This is because I have become the owner of an 11 week-old Brittany Spaniel Dog (correctly referred to simply as a Brittany – the breed is not technically a spaniel at all):


His name is Stewart (Stu for short). I wanted to name him Farnsworth, after the treatise writer who helped me ace Contracts, but my [ex]girlfriend convinced me that this would be too nerdy, and thus, I settled on Stu.

Puppy training is a very challenging and stimulating activity. I am convinced that dogs come into the world thinking that they can chew on 98% of what is in within their reach. Unfortunately, most dogs’ owners think that their dogs can only chew on a de minimus percentage of the animals’ environments: toys. I am constantly buying dog toys. I have the Kong Toy, which reminds me of a rounded-off version of the hats worn by the ’80s pop band Devo. I have the screen-printed cloth newspaper stuffed with cellophane and printed with doggie headlines (“Arf grr bark wine…” etc.). I have rawhide pigs ears and dozens of bones. None of these stop him from trying to eat my shoes, chew on my couch, and run around with the toilet brush, which I find particularly odd.

Bad Doggie!

Irrespective, he has still made this last month infinitely more fun. Already, having him around makes all the scolding, 5:00AM bathroom runs, and accidents worthwhile. I can’t wait until he is a fully-trained pointer.


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8 responses to ““No!”

  1. Cameron

    Cute little bugger!

    I have faith that oneday he will grow to be a stealth grouse assian!

    Must ask whats with the box of shell ROTELLA T oil? Did you trade the Buick for an 18 wheeler?

  2. philliptoutant

    I share your hopes about the Grouse. I have been tempted to change his name to “Dr. Grouse,” or “Grouseminster Fuller,” but I fear that he would develop a complex. Additionally, he will need to learn how to deal with Pheasants too…

    No, the Buick is still (marginally) faithful, the Rotella T was from a friend who owns a large diesel pickup. It had been serving as my trash can in my bathroom until the dog kept pulling nastinesses out of it.

  3. Charlotte

    So in the e-mail you sent I didn’t realize it was a toilet brush…it looked like a shovel…you should put some tabasco sauce on the handle so he burns his mouth on it and (hopefully) never touches it again.

  4. HeiDi

    After reading more of that The Sex Life of Food book, I’ve decided that you should change the spelling of Stu’s name to Stew (since you spell Stuart as Stewart anyhow)…

    I think that ‘Stew’ would moreso reflect the dog’s possible place in the food chain, should ever get incredibly hungry. Or if you decide, for some reason, to bring him to Korea to see me.

  5. HeiDi

    Just a thought.

  6. Heidi

    Why don’t you ever update this damn thing!?! You’re so boring.

  7. philliptoutant

    Four words: “trusts and decdents’ estates.” Oh, I guess two more: “contract drafting.” Once those are out of the way, I will have stories to tell.

  8. HeiDi

    Update update update. And then consider changing the address of my blog once again- I’m indecisive- to loveinthetimeofavianflu.blogspot.com.

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